Before you jump to conclusions and believe this is me throwing a pity party for myself, let me explain. These aren't going to be reasons why I'm never picked first, or why I have to wait for things, or why I'm not someone's first choice or anything like that. No, it's not going to be a pathetic, pity party. It's simply an explanation.
Whether it be face-to-face, a phone call, texting, or instant messaging (if you're still into that), I hate being the first one to say something. I hate being the first one to engage in conversation. It's not because I hate people or hate talking to them. On the contrary, I think people are awesome, and I love to talk. I just hate being the first one to talk.
Why? I guess there are actually a few reasons as to why I hate being the first one to talk, text, or message. First off, I'm already kind of awkward, which some may say is cute while some believe it just makes me weirder. The likelihood that the first thing I say, if I must speak first, is awkward is probably a seventy-five percent chance. I try to avoid being more awkward than necessary so please don't think I'm standoffish or rude if I haven't talked to you. Just realize I don't want to be more awkward than I have to.
The second reason I hate being the first person to talk is the fact that I'm afraid the person I'm talking to doesn't really care to talk to me. Why? Well, because I'm starting the conversation, and they're not. Maybe that's why they hadn't talked to me first to begin with. If I do start a conversation with you, know that I've already had a "what if this" "what if that" talk in my head for quite a while before I've said anything. I just don't want to be annoying or disliked, which is pretty much not completely one hundred percent preventable. It would make things a lot easier if people would talk to me first. That way I actually know you do want to talk to me. I guess that only really makes life easier for me. Sorry...
The third and final reason I'll give for not wanting to talk to someone first is that I don't want to appear to be stalking or throwing myself at a guy that I like. It kind of goes along with reason number two I suppose. Mostly, I just don't want to be annoying. It's pretty much just reason number two again mixed with a guy that I like.
So, Audrey, what's the point of this blog? Well, the point is to say that I have a fear of talking to people first. I also have a fear of being disliked; but you can't please everyone. And if you're doing something right, then there will most likely be people who don't like you. Maybe this is all a pride issue or just me being paranoid, but I thought I'd at least alert people to the reason for my madness. If I haven't talked to you in awhile, it really doesn't necessarily mean I don't like you just that I don't want to bug you. People don't usually bug me if they talk to me, and, trust me, you'll know if you're bugging me.
And that's the end to the madness of this blog of explanation.
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