Mistakes

In my eighteen years, I've made mistakes...of course. Everyone has. But I'm learning new things about mistakes and how they affect me. I'm learning to take something from them and apply it to my life now. I'm learning to apologize and be a better person. I'm learning to be me.

My mistakes have taught me more than my triumphs have taught me. I'm not saying that I'm glad I've made mistakes. I don't think I'll ever be glad that I've made mistakes. That's not something to be happy about or proud of. Still, they're part of my knowledge and learning.

Explaining how important my mistakes are to me seems strange, but it really is important. It's also a lot harder than I had imagined. Without them, I wouldn't be the person that I am today. I wouldn't comprehend a lot of things in life. Know that being able to understand some things in life isn't necessarily a good thing.

I've taught myself more than anyone else has because I've made so many mistakes. I've forced myself to "learn the hard way" too many times. Yet, sometimes, that's the only way that the stubborn learn. Trust me. It sticks when you learn a lesson the hard way.

So, what do I regret most? Hurting people. There are so many people that I need to apologize to. I have gotten the courage to apologize to some of them, and I've been proud of myself. I've swallowed some pride, and I've done what needed to be done. Still, some I haven't said anything to because I never really gave them a chance in the first place. I could blame that on many things, but in the end it all comes down to it being my fault.

I've been an idiot, but I'm not sure that I'd trade my mistakes for the correct choices. For one, I wouldn't be the same person, and for two, I needed to learn a lot of these things to knock myself down a couple of notches. I needed some humility or rather a lot.

Whether this went anywhere or not really isn't the point. The point is I'm far form perfect, I've made way too many mistakes in this life, but at the same time I needed them to teach me to be me. Thanks mistakes for giving me lessons even if it was a little hard sometimes.

The Secret

I could easily tell you my secret on this simple blog. I could easily explain to you every intricate detail. But, for fear of who may see, for fear of who may ask, I dare not share it. Not here, not now.

I could tell the world and later, deny it. No one would really care much anyway, unless they just dreamed of being confused. Who dreams of that? I guess someone with the same secret that I have could have those dreams. After all, what is our life but one big pile of confusion?

I've been told that it would be better to get this secret out into the open. I've been told to open the doors and let the sun shine in on this secret. Still, I've kept it in the dark, no matter how much pain it has and will cost me. I've kept this secret for myself. Why burden more people with this? Are there not enough people burdened by this secret, some with my secret?

No, no else can know. I must keep this inside, even if it kills me, and it could I suppose. I know I have a breaking point. At some point, I'll reach it. At some point, my secret will be exposed, and I will break down completely. Someone will help. There's always someone; but, for now, this is my secret, my deepest, darkest secret. No one can know.

It's possible that I'll get better all on my own, but it's not very likely. I don't believe that it will happen. This, this secret, is my thorn in the flesh. I cannot worry someone else with my problem. It's my secret, it's my problem to deal with.

Don't worry. I'll be okay. Just trust me. I know the secret, and it's very likely that you do not. I carry the burden, and I have, unfortunately, laid part of the burden on others. I apologize for that. You didn't need that on top of the many problems you probably already have in life. I should have kept this to myself because it's my secret, and it's not yours to worry about.